More thoughts and prayers

A friend of mine I met through playgroup recently delivered her second son, Kieran, at 27 weeks. He weighed 2 lbs, 6oz. He's been in NICU and has already had a couple of setbacks but he's a fighter. My friend went into the hospital at 19 weeks and they thought she would have to deliver then and there and lose the baby. But she went on bedrest, they stuck it out, her husband took a leave from his job to take care of their son, Shea, who is Theo's age, and they made it to 27 weeks. That in and of itself is a miracle. But they need more. Please take a moment to send some thoughts, prayers, good energy, or whatever you believe in, to this remarkable family. They are wonderful people with hearts of gold and Shea has the best dimples ever. People are rallying around them and I know from experience that the support of strangers goes a long, long way in the healing process. Thanks everyone.

"Bad-Mommy Brigade"

I just read this article in New York Magazine today. While I don't personally agree with some of her points, so much makes sense. The writer quotes another author as saying we stay-at-home moms are "making pre-Betty Friedan choices in a post-Betty Friedan world". That hit it for me. She then goes on to talk about the sense of unfulfillment that comes with being a stay-at-home mother and it really resonated with me. I don't feel that I am a Bad Mother because I don't meet the expectations of a Good Mother as defined in this article. I am a good mother because I do the best I can but it is very easy to make me feel like a bad mother since I am always wondering if indeed I am doing my best. It's a question every parent asks of him/herself, even the ones that do all the volunteering, baking and still somehow keeping a clean house. It was never my girlhood dream to be a Mommy. I love being one and what Theo has brought to my life is immeasurable, but there are still those unfulfilled dreams lingering out there and those are the things that nag at me when I am mindlessly saying to Theo for the eight millionth time, "yes, I see the truck". I think anyone who has ever had any ambition and has children before that ambition has been fulfilled really struggles with this same thing. I am grateful to have read this article because the author really articulated some of my thoughts for me.

Look at me go

Yet another goal of mine for 2008 is to see more theatre. So far, in just 12 days, I have already seen two shows, have tickets to another and was invited to yet another at the end of the month. That means for January I will have seen FOUR pieces of live theatre.

The first show I saw was a Christmas present from Rich (with prodding from me). It was a performance of Beckett shorts at New York Theatre Workshop starring Mikhail Baryshnikov. I had posters of Misha on my wall as a teenager - three actually, including a door-size one - so I was just happy to be there. It was a good production, not life-changing in any way, but I really appreciate Beckett. I was Lucky in a production of Waiting for Godot several years ago. It was the fringiest of fringe shows, hardly anyone saw it and in the end, I don't know if it was that good. But I absolutely loved the challenge of playing that role. If you don't know the speech, go here to read it (it's the big paragraph in the middle of the page). Now that I feel I have "studied" Beckett to some degree, I want more. He seems to be having a major resurgence in popularity, too, because the show I am going to see at the end of the month is BAM's production of Happy Days.

Last night Amre and I went to see Disinformation at the Public's Under the Radar Festival. My friend Tommy directed it and the primary performer was another former Seattle resident, Reggie Watts. It lacked the cohesive vision I think it was trying to create, but the bits and pieces on their own were terrific including a show-stealing dance piece by another Seattle performer, Amy O'Neal.

Wednesday night I am going to another show at the Festival, this one by writer and performer Dael Orlandersmith. We produced two of her shows when I was working at ACT and I just love her. Her writing is incisive and human. This current piece is a work in progress so I don't know what to expect but I am excited to see her perform again. And just so, so excited to be getting out and experiencing the art form that I love so much and that gives me so much inspiration.

International Playground

I feel like yesterday's entries were a little complain-y so today I am going to write about one of the many things I love about NYC. On a large scale, New York City is an international playground. One can find a sampling of almost every culture and nationality in the world here. With that comes the food, the festivals, the dances, the films, the politics, the clothes, the mores, etc. But on a smaller, say, toddler-sized scale New York is quite literally an international playground. I think our experience is enhanced because we are in an academic community full of people from all over the world, but on any given day at our playground here is a sampling of some of the languages we hear: Spanish, Russian, Hebrew, Chinese, Italian, French, German and Portugese. It's one of the things that I love about raising a child here. As these kids get older and play at each other's houses, we will all learn more about new cultures, customs and traditions. The more we know about one another, the more we understand each other and the more tolerant we are of differences. It makes me happy to know we are raising Theo to be completely open and accepting to things that are new and different because new and different is all he will know.

Living the dream

I feel like I spent most of today picking up toys and putting them back where they belong. I am that mom, the one in the commercials looking all haggard until Calgon takes her away, the one editors are thinking about when they decide which new organizational miracle product they are going to feature in this month's issue, the one wondering, "when did I become that mom?"

NYC Pet Peeve

My biggest pet peeve at the moment is people who stop their cars in the crosswalk. They are the ones who don't want to get caught at the light so they pull forward even though there is no place for them to go other than the pedestrian crosswalk. There are a couple of very busy roads in my neighborhood where this happens a lot and it makes me crazy. Initially, it made me crazy because I was a Seattle pedestrian i.e., accustomed to having cars stop at crosswalks, even without a traffic light to tell them to do it. Now it drives me crazy because I have to navigate a stroller through that tangled mess and grit my teeth hoping that A) Theo won't have respiratory problems for breathing in what's spewing from people's tailpipes and B) there won't be some freak fender bender that is just enough to send the car I am walking in front of right into Theo and me. It makes me so irate that I have actually become one of those crazy people who yells at the drivers for their mistake. I make eye contact with them, point at my stroller and say "THIS IS A CROSSWALK!!" In my head, they are saying to themselves, "Oh my goodness! I am such an oblivious idiot. I didn't even think that me stopping in the middle of a crosswalk might endanger a small child. I will never, ever do such a stupid thing again." In my head, I am changing NYC drivers one lunatic rant at a time.

Resolution check-in

OK, so I know I'm not calling them resolutions so I shouldn't be too hard on myself but I'm not doing so hot on this 7th day of January. I haven't been to the gym yet, I haven't been eating more greens, I haven't done any yoga or been drinking more water. I've washed a lot of dishes but haven't touched the vacuum, a dust cloth or a bathroom sponge in a week. I have written a few cards to some friends and I think this is my third or fourth blog entry in a week so I haven't been a total slacker. Last night a packed away all the ornaments on the Christmas tree and tonight Rich is going to take it down from its stand and take it down the hall to the garbage room. Then I will break out the vacuum. I mean, what's the point in vacuuming if you're just going to throw pine needles all over the place soon afterwards? Right?

Go Jags!

The Jacksonville Jaguars beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-29 last night. It was a real nail-biter of a game and I stayed up WAY past my bedtime to watch it but man was it worth it. I have never been a Steeler fan - I loathe their ridiculous "Terrible Towels" - but ever since they supposedly beat the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowl two years ago, they are just below the Yankees on my very short list of Sports Teams I Hate. The LA Lakers represent basketball on that list. So, you can imagine the sweet, sweet satisfaction of seeing my boys beat the Steelers on their home turf, for the second time this season - the only team to beat them at home this season. Depending on the outcome of today's games, next week might create real havoc in our household. If San Diego wins today, next weekend the Jags go to New England to play the undefeated Patriots - Rich's boys. Hey, I'm a Red Sox fan. I'm a believer that anything is possible.

Could it happen?

Four years ago I watched Barack Obama give the most stirring speech I think I have heard from a living politician. I encourage you to re-read it here. That night I looked at Rich and said "That man is going to be the first black president of the United States." Last night, he won in Iowa. Granted, last time around John Edwards won in Iowa and we see where that got him - back in Iowa this election season and coming in second. However, Obama's win last night has me excited and wondering. Could it really happen? After all the trauma and turmoil black people have endured and continue to endure in this country, could we really elect a black man as president? What an amazing accomplishment if it really happened. Of course, the thought is also followed by fear - would he make it through an entire term? Would some insane racist destroy his vision and leave us all wondering, like with Kennedy, "What would have been different if he'd had the time to make things happen?" What would an event like that do to our country? Leaping ahead, I know. And, as Kelly will appreciate, already imagining the bad scenarios. But I also have so much hope. So much hope that this country will finally do something right on this political landscape. No, this is not an endorsement of Barack Obama. In fact, I don't even know how I am going to vote in the NY primary next month. But I know that I am excited and that having him in this race gives me hope.

Happy 2008

Once again, my good intentions have not translated to my blog. I truly do think about writing something every day but then I run out of time during Theo's nap or I get caught up in cleaning, cooking, etc. and I forget. But it's a new year and while I don't want to commit to an actual list of resolutions, per se, I do have a mental list of things I would like to do better this year. Among them:

1. Be a better blogger
2. Write more snail mail to friends and family
3. Be a better housekeeper
4. Find balance in my life as a wife, mother, friend, person
5. Stop biting my nails - for real this time

Our holidays were good. We didn't travel at all. As Christmas approached Rich and I began to doubt whether we had made the right decision in not visiting family this year, but all we had to do was think about all the airports we avoided and our doubts were instantly vanquished. On Christmas Eve we invited a neighbor over for dinner. She is in her 70s, widowed with no children of her own and she absolutely dotes on Theo. We gave her a framed picture of him and she was over the moon about it.

On Christmas Day we woke up early and dove into the many presents we were blessed with from our families. Theo got a Tonka dump truck, a new boat for the bathtub, some blocks, some clothes and a new winter coat. I gave Rich a sweater and the complete Twin Peaks DVD set. My big gifts were a massage and tickets to see Baryshnikov performing 4 Samuel Beckett shorts at New York Theatre Workshop this Saturday. It was also a Christmas of updating for me: my first new purse in two years, my first new wallet in at least two years, my first new slippers in probably 4 years. I am hoping 2008 will be a year of rejuvenation for me. I feel a bit like I have been lost in the fog of motherhood so I am trying to be more aware of who I am and what I project into the world. I have a lot I want to accomplish but sometimes I feel like a total schlump and it gets me down. This year I am hoping to gradually make some improvements on myself - internally and externally.

Christmas afternoon Amre came over and we cooked a veggie shepherd's pie, brussel sprouts and butternut squash. It was yummy, yummy and so good to have Amre here.

The week between Christmas and New Year's was slow and easy. Rich worked minimally so we had a lot of time together. We took Theo to see the tree in Rockefeller Center and walked to Chelsea Market along the Hudson River Park where Theo marveled at all the helicopters going to and from the heliport further up the river. New Year's Eve, Deana, Mike and Anabelle came over for a slumber party. We cooked curry and pie and I missed the stroke of midnight because Theo woke up at 11:58pm and needed to be comforted back to sleep. Oh well, I guess it's just a time of day.

So now here we are. A new year already. Where did 2007 go? It was a good year for us. Our first full calendar year with Theo. We traveled a lot and already have some trips planned for this year: Greece in June and Seattle for most of the month of August. In a couple of weeks Theo and I are going down to Austin to visit my dad, stepmom and Kat while Rich attends a conference in Barbados, the lucky stiff.

So here we go into another year. I look forward to what it will bring us.